AFTER the wedding, at the age of 20, I set off for London. Instead of the honeymoon, I moved to my husband’s room (with single bed), which he was renting at the time. Instead of honeymoon period, I found some dodgy texts from some girl he was meeting whilst I was at home getting ready for the wedding. She was from Slovakia like me, which pained me even more. I couldn’t believe it! I was young, pretty and we had just got married! Jim was good at lying and smoothing things out, coming up with brilliant excuses. I didn’t believe him, but I told myself that I had to make the marriage work. I made my bed and I had to lie in it. I was determined to be happy in my marriage against all odds. My young pride wouldn’t let me to go back to my town still without a degree and now divorced! What would my family and others say?
I needed to be sensible with the money that my parents gave me, so mostly I stayed in the small room and cried. Instinctively I knew that my husband would not look after me, I had to do that on my own. I felt very alone, I didn’t know anyone in London. I couldn’t call my parents or my best friend at home as I didn’t want them to worry about me. I had to face this hell by myself and get out of it by myself.
Having my confidence at all time low, Jim who worked as an engineer on a construction side was telling me every day when he got ‘home’ how his co-workers make fun of him for being married to me. Jim enlightened me on many ‘interesting’ things about my country and other eastern European countries, which shook me to my very core. I soon found out that my husband was not only a chain smoking alcoholic, but had many racist books with which he sympathised.
Without having anyone to talk about these absurdities, I just listened and grew more resentful inside. I felt trapped and I was. I didn’t realise at the time that it was by my own doing. I created fake walls around me and locked myself inside them. I climbed on a plate, stuffed my mouth with an apple and offered myself to the mercy of a bully husband. My story five continues in Marriage Hell, part 2 – Affairs.
As hard as it was to face this all alone, it strengthened my self-confidence and showed me the power of my own spirit. I am amazed about the strength we can light in us when we are facing the most distressing situations, it is good to remember that it is always in us.