ONLY 20 years old, I told my mother that I was determined to get married. She was not impressed as I predicted. She didn’t like Jim, she didn’t want me to move abroad and she knew we were both too young to know how hard it all will be for us. As a mother she knew that I was heading towards a disaster and she couldn’t stop me. I stood behind my decision stubbornly, even though deep down I knew that the life I was choosing would be very hard. I stopped myself from thinking that I would be permanently living away from my family and friends and that I would need to adapt to a new way of living, to a different culture.
I was appreciating for the last time to be a daughter living at home, being looked after by my parents, being close to my younger sister and my grandparents. I recognised that a big change in my life was coming and I felt hot and cold about it. My sensitivity was warning me about the change and my arrogance was telling me that I will make it.
The wedding day came and I could see on Jim’s mother that she was not happy with her son’s decision either. The marriage seemed doomed before it even started. During the wedding ceremony I cried, I was taking wows for life and I was stepping into a massive change and I was frightened.
We only had close family and friends at the reception. Jim got extremely drunk and so did his brother, they were both behaving very disrespectfully and aggressively towards others. I was glad that the waiter nor the cameraman understood their swearing at them. I was very hurt seeing their behaviour and I couldn’t believe my own stupidity in getting married to Jim.
When we got to our bridal suite in a very communist looking town hotel, Jim passed out. I took my wedding dress off, put on my jeans and left the hotel room. I went to a 24 hour bar in the town centre. I ordered vodka and was smoking one cigarette after another, crying. I found it bitterly amusing when I looked at couple of other people scattered around the bar to think that they had no idea that this was my weeding night.
I decided to take this new path and I was determined to make it work somehow. I hoped that all this can be worked out and that my marriage would work despite this peculiar beginning. My story five ‘Marriage Hell, part 1 – Bully‘ will tell how that worked out.
Thinking back at this time of my life I wonder what the hell I was thinking. One culprit I see is my hurt ego which was still annoyed about my university humiliation and which was happy to take me away from my town (anywhere). My happiness plan was moving away from me and I was in such a haze that I didn’t even realise. I know now that my choices were ensuring that my personality would not stay idle, they were awaking my character traits much faster.