Archive | March 2017

Tips to Stop Postponing Feeling Happy

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We can feel happy at any time! So what can we do to stop postponing feeling happy?

Here are my 5 tips from my stories so far:

  1. Don’t have rules for defining your happiness  

    Happiness is a choice…

  2. Don’t fight what is happening in your life 

    Embrace it instead and find enjoyment in it…

  3. Don’t push on things that don’t work 

    Put your energy into things that do…

  4. Don’t wait for permission to change anything in your life 

    Do what feels right for you…

  5. Don’t think that you need anyone or anything else for your happiness

    You are more than enough…

“Happiness is a state of mind, not a set of circumstances.” ― Richard Carlson

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Story Seven: Unbelievable, My Mr Right!

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FRESHLY divorced and close to my 25th birthday I finally saw the cycle I was entangled in. It wasn’t pretty and I wanted out of it. I didn’t want to be in a victim mode anymore and attract the wrong men, actually I reached the point where I didn’t want to attract anybody. I started appreciating myself more, enjoying company of my friends, just being happy and grateful for the smallest things. When I started pursuing my own happiness, that’s when my friend invited me to her birthday party and I met my Mr Right. Everything suddenly fell into the place and I couldn’t believe that:

  1. James and I both fell in love with each other at the first sight (you can’t make these things up!)

  2. We were inseparable since the first moment that we met and within the first hour I told James everything about myself (and he didn’t think I was a nutcase, no he thought that I was amazing!)

  3. He sent me a good morning text message early the next day (no games of waiting like before!)

  4. We met for a date the next day and we spent the whole day talking about everything (and walked half of London in doing so!)

  5. I have never felt happier, I knew from the first moment that this was ‘It’ (and there would be no more searching!)

It was and it is still too good to be true. At the time I thought that if I knew that I would meet James, I would just wait and didn’t bother with anyone else. I know now that every experience however painful had to take place, so I could meet James and appreciate what I have now with him. If I took a different turn in my story, we would have never met. Sometimes when we are amidst the worst pain, we don’t see the reason behind it happening, it is only with time that we recognise it. I learned many things from my earlier stories and I can now honestly say that I don’t regret any of them and that I wouldn’t change any of them. I am grateful that all my earlier stories taken place and paved the way for me to meet my Mr Right.  

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Story Six: Dating Games, part 2 – Seeing a Colleague

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GOING through a divorce at the age of 24 and just being dumped by a boyfriend for an unknown reason, I still wanted to be in a relationship. I thought that I couldn’t be happy if I was single and alone and I was scared. At a work party on a boat I was having a good time dancing with one of my colleagues whom I didn’t really know (I will call him Matt), but I knew him by his reputation. He was a good dancer and we had lot of fun dancing together. I knew that he was dating one colleague after another, but I didn’t mind, we were only dancing together. Matt was British and his conquests were all foreign girls. I saw the colleague who I knew was currently seeing him watching us dancing together. She didn’t look annoyed at all and I assumed that they must have broken up and the gossip about it had not spread yet. After we got off the boat, Matt asked me to come with him and some other colleagues to a night club. I was tempted, but knowing his reputation I said no and went home instead.
I kept seeing Matt at work and I found myself thinking about his boyish charm when I was home alone. I was right, he and my colleague were no longer seeing each other. He was free to date and so was I. ‘Mr Right’ was not making his appearance and I was so unhappy being single. I decided to ask Matt out for a drink on the weekend. We lived quite close to each other in London terms and we agreed to meet in my local bar. Whilst talking together I realised soon enough that we had nothing in common and we didn’t really have anything to talk about. I was upset about it, he was so good looking. I wrote off the idea of dating Matt in my head, but I was not ready for what had soon followed. Out of the blue Matt leaned forward and very confidently kissed me. I don’t know what came over me and before I knew it, we were kissing in the bar. We started to secretly date as I didn’t want anyone from work to know. I knew this was a bad idea. I knew that this relationship would not last long, but it was so comforting to be in somebody’s arms, dampening my fear of being alone. I knew that Matt was not in love with me and I was not in love with him either. One day it dawned on me that I had to stop this charade and tell Matt that we would no longer see each other. Soon enough he started to date another colleague and I didn’t mind one bit. I signed myself up for an online dating as I was not ready to wait patiently and hope to meet somebody by chance. I was hoping that I would meet someone nice there, but the opposite was true.  When I slowed down, accepted myself, decided what was good for me and what I would no longer accept, I met my ‘Mr Right’ almost instantly. My story seven ‘Unbelievable, My Mr Right’ will talk about it more.
From seeing Matt and trying to meet men online, I learned that it is not worth pressing on things which are not working and hoping that they magically start running. This way we are only postponing our happiness and are closed for something new and better to come into our lives. I was in a rush, not listening that everything has its own time. My fear was driving me into actions which I would have never done under other circumstances. I didn’t want to hear that I was in a right emotional mess from the earlier events and not in a good place to start a serious relationship. Only later on, when I faced my fear, the doors opened and new experiences effortlessly followed. I am thankful to Matt that he was there for me to hold me during the time when I was frozen solid by my fear. I am grateful that I didn’t meet my ‘Mr Right’ during this time when I was in such a bad place. What I didn’t know then was, that my happiness does not depend on anybody else and that I am enough.
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Story Six: Dating Games, part 1 – Seeing a Schoolmate

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WELL, I was 24 years old and going through an online divorce, which was possible to do as Jim and I didn’t own much together. I happily left everything behind and only took what was mine, I needed a fresh start without ties to Jim.
I was in a new job, working for an amazing company where I met some great colleagues. I made firm friends who became my second family. The job paid well too, so I was able to rent a cosy flat by myself, albeit sacrificing half of my monthly salary to do it. I felt a strong need to be alone and to get to know my real self. So far, I had been under the influences of other people and it was high time to live alone for the first time. It was extremely hard at first and I had to have my friends around me most of the time, as I couldn’t face being by myself, being alone with my own unhappy thoughts. Some months later I slowly started to cherish being alone and doing things which I wanted to do, unrestricted by others, for the first time in my life.
I was in my second year of external study at a university, happy to be back on my initial happiness plan. I started meeting with some of my classmates in the evenings, after the lectures and I found out that one of them was my neighbour (I will call him Tim). It was not long before we became an item. He was handsome and I couldn’t believe that he would be interested in me. I knew that intellectually we were worlds apart, but I didn’t stop his advances. He seemed wholly smitten by me, texting me all the time how much he missed me. I liked him too, he was freshly different from my ex and I was enjoying myself being in a relationship again. Four weeks into our dating, he went for a two weeks holiday with his brother. When he came back and we met in the class, he acted like he had never known me. I was completely at a loss. What must have happened on that holiday? I have never asked him about it, I was too proud and hurt. I was angry, as I still felt vulnerable from my marriage break up and this hit me so out of the blue. It felt like a blow below the belt. I didn’t want to be single, so I desperately looked around for possible boyfriends. My story six ‘Dating Games, part 2 – Seeing a Colleague’ will talk about this.
I see now how desperation for something makes us do foolish things. I was blinded and I didn’t listen to my intuition which was saying that Tim wasn’t the right person for me. I understand now that it was crucial for me to date Tim so soon after I had left Jim. It showed me that I could date other men and prevented me from slipping slowly back to my ex husband. I am glad now that our dating was so short and neither of us got hurt more. It shook me that someone could and did leave me so abruptly. This was a valuable lesson for me as I have never again taken any relationships for granted.cropped-light

Story Five: Marriage Hell, part 2 – Affairs

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FOUR years later and I was still unhappily married and 24 years old. I was determined to make the marriage work, but the flame inside me was growing smaller and smaller. Jim was killing it daily with his affairs, drinking and bullying.
I suddenly found myself among young fun people when I changed my job. A month in, I was invited to the office Christmas party. At the dinner I sat next to a talkative Australian colleague (let’s call him Oliver) who opened my eyes with his vivid stories of traveling and enjoying a fun filled life. Was an enjoyable life possible? I asked myself bewildered. It was as if someone had awoken  and filled me with a lightning energy. I was instantly attracted to Oliver and the world he was teasingly painted in front of my eyes. I felt intoxicated and alive. I called Jim that I was having a good time and that I would be staying at the party longer. He was furious about it and threatened me to come home. Something broke inside me and I no longer cared. I wanted to have fun, I wanted to dance and I wanted to laugh after so many hurtful years. Jim sent me many disgusting abusive texts, which I will not repeat here, and annoyed I turned off my mobile.
I spoke to Oliver more and told him things about my husband that I couldn’t tell anyone before and he was horrified. When I told him how Jim tells me that I am used goods and nobody would want me, he laughed and said that he would. I felt relieved, happy and excited. We sat alone on the sofa and Oliver leaned forward for a kiss and I stopped him. My heart was breaking, I wanted that kiss so much, but I was not going to cheat on my husband.
I got to our house at 4 o’clock in the morning and started to be worried about Jim’s reactions. He was awake and our room looked like a war zone. The book that I was reading had pages torn out of it, my jewellery box was broken as it hit the wall and the modest contents from it were on the carpet. Jim was beside himself with fury. He threw me on the bed and his hands were pressing down on my neck. I still remember that I felt relieved and happy! His action was a ticket for me to say enough, I am out. As I didn’t struggle, Jim stopped and started to explain how everything that he did is because he loves me so much. There was nothing inside me that cared any longer. Within a couple of months I packed my suitcase and I left Jim.
I had an exciting fun affair with Oliver, but it didn’t last long. He was a player and wanted to play with other girls too. I was devastated and it took me quite a long time to get over Oliver. My story six called ‘Dating Games, part 1 – Seeing a Schoolmate‘ will describe what had followed.
Only years later I see how good it was that Oliver crossed my path. His stories opened my eyes faster and lighted a sleeping desire in me for a better life. He helped me to see what I already knew, that I could achieve it. This was imminent to happen, I was waiting for myself to shake me into action and Oliver got there first. Finally, I jumped at the opportunity to take charge of my happiness and I have never looked back.
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Story Five: Marriage Hell, part 1 – Bully

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AFTER the wedding, at the age of 20, I set off for London. Instead of the honeymoon, I moved to my husband’s room (with single bed), which he was renting at the time. Instead of honeymoon period, I found some dodgy texts from some girl he was meeting whilst I was at home getting ready for the wedding. She was from Slovakia like me, which pained me even more. I couldn’t believe it! I was young, pretty and we had just got married! Jim was good at lying and smoothing things out, coming up with brilliant excuses. I didn’t believe him, but I told myself that I had to make the marriage work. I made my bed and I had to lie in it. I was determined to be happy in my marriage against all odds. My young pride wouldn’t let me to go back to my town still without a degree and now divorced! What would my family and others say?
I needed to be sensible with the money that my parents gave me, so mostly I stayed in the small room and cried. Instinctively I knew that my husband would not look after me, I had to do that on my own. I felt very alone, I didn’t know anyone in London. I couldn’t call my parents or my best friend at home as I didn’t want them to worry about me. I had to face this hell by myself and get out of it by myself.
Having my confidence at all time low, Jim who worked as an engineer on a construction side was telling me every day when he got ‘home’ how his co-workers make fun of him for being married to me. Jim enlightened me on many ‘interesting’ things about my country and other eastern European countries, which shook me to my very core. I soon found out that my husband was not only a chain smoking alcoholic, but had many racist books with which he sympathised.
Without having anyone to talk about these absurdities, I just listened and grew more resentful inside. I felt trapped and I was. I didn’t realise at the time that it was by my own doing. I created fake walls around me and locked myself inside them. I climbed on a plate, stuffed my mouth with an apple and offered myself to the mercy of a bully husband. My story five continues in Marriage Hell, part 2 – Affairs.
As hard as it was to face this all alone, it strengthened my self-confidence and showed me the power of my own spirit. I am amazed about the strength we can light in us when we are facing the most distressing situations, it is good to remember that it is always in us.
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Story Four: Wedding Mess

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ONLY 20 years old, I told my mother that I was determined to get married. She was not impressed as I predicted. She didn’t like Jim, she didn’t want me to move abroad and she knew we were both too young to know how hard it all will be for us. As a mother she knew that I was heading towards a disaster and she couldn’t stop me. I stood behind my decision stubbornly, even though deep down I knew that the life I was choosing would be very hard. I stopped myself from thinking that I would be permanently living away from my family and friends and that I would need to adapt to a new way of living, to a different culture.
I was appreciating for the last time to be a daughter living at home, being looked after by my parents, being close to my younger sister and my grandparents. I recognised that a big change in my life was coming and I felt hot and cold about it. My sensitivity was warning me about the change and my arrogance was telling me that I will make it.
The wedding day came and I could see on Jim’s mother that she was not happy with her son’s decision either. The marriage seemed doomed before it even started. During the wedding ceremony I cried, I was taking wows for life and I was stepping into a massive change and I was frightened.
We only had close family and friends at the reception. Jim got extremely drunk and so did his brother, they were both behaving very disrespectfully and aggressively towards others. I was glad that the waiter nor the cameraman understood their swearing at them. I was very hurt seeing their behaviour and I couldn’t believe my own stupidity in getting married to Jim.
When we got to our bridal suite in a very communist looking town hotel, Jim passed out. I took my wedding dress off, put on my jeans and left the hotel room. I went to a 24 hour bar in the town centre. I ordered vodka and was smoking one cigarette after another, crying. I found it bitterly amusing when I looked at couple of other people scattered around the bar to think that they had no idea that this was my weeding night.
I decided to take this new path and I was determined to make it work somehow. I hoped that all this can be worked out and that my marriage would work despite this peculiar beginning. My story five ‘Marriage Hell, part 1 – Bully‘ will tell how that worked out.
Thinking back at this time of my life I wonder what the hell I was thinking. One culprit I see is my hurt ego which was still annoyed about my university humiliation and which was happy to take me away from my town (anywhere). My happiness plan was moving away from me and I was in such a haze that I didn’t even realise. I know now that my choices were ensuring that my personality would not stay idle, they were awaking my character traits much faster.
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